I have been sitting here for weeks trying to think of something to write. It’s not that I don’t have any ideas. I have a bank of things ready for me to develop, but no of them are particular interesting to me at the moment. I feel cursed with this desire to say something, but have nothing to say. So I sit here and stare at this blinking line. Taunting me. Chiding me. Telling me that I am worthless since I have nothing to say. Why in the world would I start writing a blog when I have nothing to say?! There is no way that this is something I am supposed to do. God didn’t call me to write, otherwise I’d have something to write about. This cursed blinking line has become to me what the snake was to Eve. It is my distrust of God. It is my adversary in this battle for a path forward.
I have been giving a lot of consideration on what I am supposed to be doing lately. Personally, I don’t by into the specificity of God creating me for a purpose. I think He creates us with certain gifts and passions, but doesn’t compel us to use them for a specific ministry or job. For so long I have been so busy. From 2017-19 I spent the vast majority of my time trying to balance being a full time employee, full time student, husband, father, part time worship leader, and occasionally blogger. It took me awhile last year to figure out what it is I wanted to do with my time, now that I’ve gotten so much of it back. But I fell into the trap of being so busy again, I’ve lost myself; not sure what it is that makes me me. One thing’s for certain, I know that I have been created as a person to share my knowledge with others. It is an absolute joy to me to sit and have discussion about any topic. I love learning and I love sharing that knowledge.
Another thing that I know about myself, I need God to have an active presence in my life. I go through these periods (as I’m sure others do) where God and I are a little distant for each other. I don’t particularly seek Him out, and He’s fine to give me that space. When these times hit, my spiritual disciplines fall away, my desire for church fades, my peace is gone. Then, I come back to Him and everything gets better, until I go away. Yet here I am, again too busy to think about God too much. Today, I woke up early and instead of spending my time on websites, I picked up a book that I’ve read a few different times, Hearing God by Dallas Willard. The chapter I read today was about the reality of having a conversational relationship with God. Though I’ve read this chapter many times, I realized that I have not sought to have this type of relationship with God. So today while I was driving to work, where I normally am listening to podcasts at 2x speed, I sat in the silence and just talked to God. I told Him what I was thinking and what I was needing. While I cannot say I recieved any specific answer to prayer, here I am defeating the demon that is my blinking cursor.
A final thing I’m reclaiming for myself is that I am a person that loves to read. I know that this is what led me to start getting books from IVP to read as book reviews. Personally I love doing this as I get to read new material, and I get to share it with anyone that chooses to read this blog! I have a lot of great books sitting on my shelf ready to go, I just need to get those planned out. While I certainly love reading theological and ecclesial material, I have sorely lacking on my reading of fiction. The neccessity of this was pointed out to my by reading On Reading Well by Karen Swallow Prior. So I’m on the lookout for some new fiction material to add to my reading list. I really don’t want to try and reread Harry Potter or The Hobbit/Lord of the Rings again.
So in wrapping this all up, I apologize for the stream of thought nature this post turned out to be. I’m not sure I really said anything, but I was able to defeat the cursed blinking line. I know that we will do battle again; probably sooner rather than later. I do not have a high level of confidence yet, but I am working on it. If anyone reads this, please feel free to leave a comment and let me know what’s going on with you. Or give me a book suggestion! I’ll try to compile a list over on Goodreads in case you are interested.