Hey everyone! How’s it going? Been a long time. I bet you all thought I was gone. Nope! Just taking one of those long breaks that no plans because life gets in the way. I’m sitting here on about my 30th flight in just 3 months thinking about how this year has gone. In the second half of this year, my life just kinda took off in a way I didn’t expect. At the beginning of 2021 I had a bunch of goals for the content I produce. I’m sad to say that I didn’t make any of them, but admittedly blog writing, video production, and doing some streaming are all just hobbies. But in July of this year, everything changed. I took a job that was in the career field I wanted to move into, it more than doubled my salary, and it got me out of an environment that was particularly draining upon my very soul. The downside is that it meant that I have had to move from the state of Indiana to the state of Texas. Unfortunately my family is still in Indiana (hence all these dang flights) but we hope to be moving, permanently, soon. I have been blessed to have friends that have offered me a place to stay while my family is making this transition, so I haven’t had to pay both a mortgage and rent.
But as I sit here and watch the city fall away beneath me, and deal with the craziness of turbulence rocking me back and forth, I’m thinking about those plans. The plans that I made and got so excited about. The plans that I hoped would bring about some peace during a turbulent and stressful time. I wanted to reach up and grab something that was completely out of my reach and unlike anything I’ve ever done before. Yeah, you could find the very first post on this blog and say, “Come’on Preston! You’ve been blogging for the last 6 years. What do you mean you’ve never done?!” But honestly, I haven’t put the work into this space that it needs. I thought I’d have the time while I’ve been in transition and that hasn’t worked out either. I begin to wonder, is it even worth making plans? I have no clue what the future holds, but God does, and sometimes what happens in the future isn’t what we thought it would be.
No, I didn’t accomplish the goals that I wrote down. Yet I still accomplished some inherent goals that even I didn’t know I had. I’ve been able to take my family on an exciting new adventure as we try to figure out the new normal of our lives across the country. I’ve been able to reconnect with old friends, and I’ve been able to expand the realm of possibility in my life.
Yet there’s something that’s been gnawing at me. I think I have made myself so busy and stretch so thin, that I’ve completely stepped out of my relationship with God. I know he’s still there waiting on me to accept his first move. I wouldn’t say that I’ve been a bad Christian, cause honestly I don’t even think those exist. But I have kinda become a non-practicing one. I still believe and try to live my life like I do. But when was the last time I actually studied Scripture? When was the last time I prayed or fasted for any reason other than losing a few pounds? How come I don’t seek out ways of being charitable? Why can’t I seem to make the opportunity to gather with my brothers and sisters and share in the sacraments while worshiping? I have no idea. I know these things are important, and I can certainly place blame on a whole cadre of reasons. But I feel empty.
I’m in this liminal space between who I was and who I’m becoming and I’m not sure I like all the pieces that have come with it. I feel like my relationship to life is a little like me on this airplane. I can see everything below me, but I am so disconnected from it, that there is no way I can touch it. I’m frustrated a lot with the world around me. Maybe I need to speak up more and provide my voice. No one will no my opinions if I don’t share them. I can’t affect the world if I stay outside of it. I miss the things I was when I had spiritual guides to help me a long, but I’ve been without the Church for so long, I’m not sure I would know what to do when I attend again. Please pray for me brothers and sisters. There is a lot changing all around me and I don’t know how to handle most of it. I trust that God has it handled, but I certainly haven’t done much to feel it.
Plus, who knows. Maybe I’ll accomplish some goals in 2022!